.

i have stirred and played the light to soften everything else but I can't call it by any name you would know:  

notes on self-determinism written laying in my lover?s bed

1.HISTORICAL BEGINNINGS 1

first

i am in my body

and you are seeing 2

reading

me in my body

who taught you to read

and let me teach you

remind you of the syntax of my form

and the tremor of nuances behind it

clues to a primordial abundance and teleological unity

the somewhere point toward

which me in my body is falling from or approaching

?

1.CAPITALISM IS FUCKING THE QUEER OUT OF U.S.  3

I don?t want to tell you

I don?t want to have to tell myself

I keep climbing back into my own form

(always forming)/i get tired

I hope to find a way to tell you

1.WHERE AM I? ALWAYS 4

        Lately, I have been thinking about what a definition is. It seems that I cannot escape this question, and I am reluctant to answer it. But, I think the practice of answering is an important exercise in the limits of precision. When I ask a question, I find myself prescribing to a certain hopefulness, as if I were approaching a telos, only to realize I was approaching the same question from the other side.

        A definition is never what it wants to be. It wrests meaning from a thing, by its beginning and end, with the assumption that this will describe it. But it is hard to point to a thing?s wholeness by presenting a fragment ? it is like trying to describe the round, fullness of a sphere by its circumference. This is the slippage in exactitude.

        I am interested in definition, and the process of defining, in regards to place and orientation. The efforts to explain one?s position require a similar process - delineating boundaries, difference, and accounting for location in relation to otherness..

        This ?practice? of formulaic, expectant inquiries such as what is this? and where am I? often feel, to me, futile. I don?t feel found by coordinates, nor meaning through definition. This motivates me to re-evaluate the exchange I expect in determinacy. How can place and definition be explored and made meaningful without becoming over-resolved?  

1. I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU AGAIN (permitting a fluidity of self) 5

some days I feel like a blob ~ its as if my body, my self, has forgotten its shape and I am oozing out all over the place. I feel addressed by everything around me, hailed and affected. It is all noise and all of it shakes me. I am, with every noise,6 every interruption, reformed ? each instance leaving me slightly reordered, the same parts forever rearranged.

1. WITHOUT THIS SHEET I WOULD BE INVISIBLE 7

I know about the state 8

?the public? 9

about the artifice of my gestures

intertexuality and the hegemonic circle

I want the choice to show up

1. THANK YOU

FOR UNDERSTANDING  10 

My love,

I think the anxiety I was feeling today emerged around a need for reassurance. Something I struggle with. When I didn't see a response/reception to my last email, I began to worry that maybe it floated away rather than touched you, as it touched me to write it.

I figure you know this, but it?s important that I share it: writing you emails, (not to mention writing in general) is an immense/intense process for me. Emails (ones like my last email to you) are a significant part of loving you, understanding myself, and us. I feel vulnerable and nervous to hit send - but I also feel strong, and powerful to wield/bend words in a way that can begin to point to the immensity of what I feel and experience with you. 

1.LOVE/PHILOSOPHY/POLITICS/AESTHETICS 11

?maybe it should also be said that

to make love is to feel one's body close in on oneself. It is finally to exist outside of any utopia, with all of one's density between the hands of the other. Under the other's fingers running over you, all the invisible parts of your body begin to exist. Against the lips of the other, yours become sensitive. In front of half-closed eyes, your face acquire a certitude. There is a gaze, finally, to see your closed eyelids...in love,

the body is here.?12

1 Past Pleasure: A Short History of Diplomacy, essay by me 2013

2 John Berger, Ways of Seeing, 1972.

3 Maggie Nelson reading.

4 Dr. Lera Borodittsky on Radiolab .

5 trailer to 50 First Dates.

6.Anthony Wilden, ?Systems and Structure? talking about

Gregory Bateson

7.Harry Dodge?s drawing

8.Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses, 1970 

9.Michael Warner, ?Publics and Counterpublics? 2002

10.The Task of the Translator, Walter Benjamin,1921

11.Thomas Hirschhorn?s schema

12. michel foucault   le corps utopique 1966